Alone
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: Minutes feel like hours right now as I lie in bed my hand resting on the pillow were your head should be but it is cold and empty just like that feeling in the pit of my stomach.


**Alone**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **None

**Pairing:- **Sandra/Gerry

**Rating:- **K+

**Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/**

**Summary:- **Minutes feel like hours right now as I lie in bed my hand resting on the pillow were your head should be but it is cold and empty just like that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

**Author's Note:- **Short little song fic, Lyrics from Alone by Heart.

_I hear the ticking of the clock_

_I'm lying here the room's pitch dark_

Minutes feel like hours right now as I lie in bed my hand resting on the pillow were your head should be but it is cold and empty just like that feeling in the pit of my stomach. You'll never know how much I wish you were here, your head has never actually rested on that pillow but yet on nights like this I can see you there as clearly as if you were really here. In the darkness over the ticking of the clock that normally I find soothing I can hear the breaths you'll never take beside me.

_I wonder where you are tonight_

_No answer on the telephone_

The say was long and stressful and normally we'd be together now, to you it would just be two friends blowing off the stresses of the day but to me it would be so much more. I tried calling you to suggest that we get together for just that sort of evening but you didn't answer and now I'm tortured by images of where you are and what you're doing. No matter how I try to put the images out of my head of which woman you're spending your evening with, which woman will be graced with the wonder of having you make love to them, I can't do it and it's pure agony.

_And the night goes by so very slow_

_Oh I pray that it won't end though, alone_

No matter how I try I can't get to sleep it's just not happening, it never does after days like today if I haven't had my fix of time with you. Part of me longs for the blackness of sleep to make the pain gripping my heart go away. I want to stop thinking about you, to stop longing or you, stop thinking full stop but I know it will never happen. Just as big a part of me doesn't want it to happen though you see to give up to sleep is to accept that tomorrow will come and when it does I'll have to pretend I don't hear you telling Jack and Brian about your night and I'll have to pretend I don't care.

_Till now, I always got by on my own_

_I never really cared until I met you_

I hate the fact that you've made me fall in love with you and yet I can't. Before I met you, before UCOS before the hurricane that is Gerry Standing came into my life I was perfectly happy on my own. I never believed I needed anyone, I believed I was born to be alone and happy that way. How wrong I was I know now that all I was waiting for was for you to come along and show me how empty my life was, little did I know that the irony of that situation was that the one person I would want to give everything to would be the one man who I could never have, the one man who would make me adore him from the side lines of his life.

_And now it chills me to the bone_

_How do I get you, alone_

It frightens me, I'm not afraid to admit it, it scares me to the very depth of my soul how much I love you, how much I wish you were mine. You've no idea how many times I've played out "that" conversation in my mind, the number of times I've imagined just you and me alone as I tell you you've become the centre of my world. In those imaginings I've seen you react in every possible way from laughing in my face to gathering me into your arms and letting me know you feel the same. It's the time that you laugh thought that stop me from telling you, if I one day get to the stage where the positive reactions in my day dreams out weight the negative then maybe I'll have the courage to do it.

_You don't know how long I have waited _

_To touch your lips and hold you tight_

The problem at the root of my sleepless nights and the pain that I feel is that you don't and never will know how much I want it to be different. I know you think I've gone from tolerating you to considering you a friend and that's as far as things are ever likely to get. You think things are fine between us, that we've reached that point where we'll always have each other's backs and that's all that matters but you will never know how much I want it to be different. You will never know how often I've looked at you and told you in my head everything I wish I could say out loud.

_You don't know how long I have waited_

_And I was going to tell you tonight._

I tell myself all the time that if I can just get you alone with enough wine and a bad enough day I'll tell you it all and take my chances. Tonight was going to be another of those times. When I came home and decided I was going to make that another of those calls to you that pepper our relationship but this time it was going to be different. This time I would tell you, tonight was the night. Yeah right like that was ever going to happen, somebody, somewhere doesn't want me to be happy and they have a damn good way of making sure that's exactly what happened.

_But my secret is still my own_

_And my love for you is still unknown alone_

As I close my eyes attempting again to give up to sleep the secret love, the unrequited desire that is now so intertwined with my soul that I could never remove it completely becomes my unwelcome bedfellow. Instead of your arms encapsulating me loneliness snakes its tentacles around me and instead of your loving whispers in my ear the mocking laugh of spinelessness rings in my ears. I know tonight in my dreams I'll be yours and you mine and then I'll wake in the morning and have to put on the mask I always do around you. I'll pretend I'm happy but in actual fact I'll be forever waiting for the moment, the one when I can end the torture and find out if you will ever love me or if I'm forever destined to be alone.


End file.
